1. Know Your Heart

Why do you want to adopt a child?  Why now?  Spend some time talking, writing, soul searching about your core reasons.  Get clear about why adopting a child is important for you now.  Are your “why’s” generative?  What new future do they create for you and your family?  Are there any “should’s” inherent in your “why’s”?

Generative reasons are infused with joy, hope, courage, laughter, and possibilities.  Reasons that are should-based can be more limiting in the long run.  Notice the difference when you say, “I should have a child because my mother wants grandchildren,” or when you say, “I want to raise a child because I know it’s one of the ways I’m called to serve on this earth.”  One way, “the should” way, carries a feeling of obligation.  The other way offers possibilities of legacy and service and following a deeper calling.

By the way, I think it’s unlikely if you are reading this, that you think you should have children because your mama said so.  That’s an obvious example.  There could be other more subtle ways in which you “should” yourself about having kids.  Let’s see, here are some:  “I should have done this a long time ago.  I should adopt a child because I’ll be saving a child from poverty.  I should adopt from a developing country because the need is so much greater than anything we can imagine in the United States.” 

Now is a good time to ferret out the “shoulds” and take a good look at them, and not just to get rid of them.  There may be core values inherent in them that resonate as truth.  For example, values of compassion and global citizenship are inherent in the statement about adopting from a developing country rather than the US.  But the reason for your choice has to be grounded in a core conviction that will carry you through the challenges of adopting from outside of the US.  “Shoulds” don’t wear well in the tough times.  They can turn to resentment.  What are the reasons that will sustain you along the adoption and parenting journey for the duration of that journey?  What heartfelt conviction can you rely on, that will give you grounding and steadiness in the trying toddler and teen years?

Now is the time for being honest, perhaps more honest than you have ever had to be, with yourself, your partner and whoever your support network is.  It’s not the time for social platitudes and wanting to save the world.  Start with truly knowing your heart and knowing it again and again.  The level of honesty and self trust that you are building now will be called on many times on your journey to adopt a child and beyond.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 at 12:22 pm and is filed under Adoption Pages, Getting Started: Three Things to know about adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.