2.  Time-”the big bugaboo”

You’ve probably heard that adoption takes a long time.  So what’s a long time?

Let’s start with what we know.  Having a child biologically takes minimally nine months from conception to birth.  Some couples or individuals may have been trying to get pregnant for longer than nine months.  I’ve had a few friends who tried for ten years to get pregnant.  So, how long does it take to have a child biologically?  It depends—anywhere from nine months or less to, in some cases, a decade.

How is adoption different?  Unlike a biological pregnancy, in adoption it’s hard to know when to declare conception.  In my case, from the time I thought about adopting to the time that a child was placed with my family almost four years passed.  I include the first two years which were spent in casual discovery, reading, doing on line searches and dreaming about how wonderful it would be to have a child.  I refer to this as my rose colored glasses phase—“won’t it be wonderful to have a baby?”  I thought I was committed but looking back now, I see that this was more of a trying out phase.  Which is fine.  It’s good to try it out—after all adopting is a forever event.

The moment of commitment came after a significant birthday for me.  It was a moment of reckoning with myself where I realized that if I really wanted to adopt a child, I was going to have to make a much more powerful declaration of intent.  Our research narrowed to two possible adoption routes.  My partner and I interviewed these two options carefully.  We flew down to California for the day from Seattle, to interview one organization.  And we went to an adoption seminar four hundred miles away to learn more about another adoption organization.  We declared our intention by making investments of time and money.  We committed ourselves to take action.

We made a choice, committed to that choice in the form of a financial down payment and a psychological and emotional commitment to the process as outlined by the agency we chose.  We had landed.  We were in motion.

From landing to the day that our child was placed with us, the process took another year and five months.

In adoption it’s hard to know when to declare conception.  In my personal story, I track conception back to the moment my partner and I committed to action.  So our pregnancy lasted a year and five months.  When I was in the middle of this time, I had no idea how long it would last.  I didn’t know (at least intellectually) when this process would result in a child.  I didn’t know if there would be a miscarriage or a hiccup in the process.  These happen too in the adoption world.  A birthmother can miscarry.  And/or an adoption can be interrupted and a plan go unfulfilled if one of the parties changes their mind.  That’s always possible.

Your timeline is important.  Whether you assess that you have one year or five years to become a parent will impact the choices you make and your rate of commitment along the way.  Age and health of the adoptive parents are often the two critical factors that determine how much time adoptive parents assess they have to adopt a child.  The actual age itself varies according to the parents’ own perceptions.  Some wouldn’t consider adopting past age 35 while others are quite comfortable adopting into their 50’s.  Age does become a factor with adoptions outside of the US, as some countries have certain age limits for adopting children from their country.

So, if I haven’t done much to allay the fears around time, what I hope to convey is that there is a perception that adoption takes more time than creating a family biologically.  While adoption does take time, so can becoming pregnant.  There is perhaps more unpredictability in adoption because there are more people involved and adoptive parents may have more of a sense of not having much control in the situation.  All of this can translate to:  “adoption takes a long time.” 

It’s hard to hear this at the front end of the adoption process but I am going to say it anyway, “Your child will arrive at exactly the right time for you and your family.”  That said, nothing happens until you commit to action.

1. Know Your Heart

Why do you want to adopt a child?  Why now?  Spend some time talking, writing, soul searching about your core reasons.  Get clear about why adopting a child is important for you now.  Are your “why’s” generative?  What new future do they create for you and your family?  Are there any “should’s” inherent in your “why’s”?

Generative reasons are infused with joy, hope, courage, laughter, and possibilities.  Reasons that are should-based can be more limiting in the long run.  Notice the difference when you say, “I should have a child because my mother wants grandchildren,” or when you say, “I want to raise a child because I know it’s one of the ways I’m called to serve on this earth.”  One way, “the should” way, carries a feeling of obligation.  The other way offers possibilities of legacy and service and following a deeper calling.

By the way, I think it’s unlikely if you are reading this, that you think you should have children because your mama said so.  That’s an obvious example.  There could be other more subtle ways in which you “should” yourself about having kids.  Let’s see, here are some:  “I should have done this a long time ago.  I should adopt a child because I’ll be saving a child from poverty.  I should adopt from a developing country because the need is so much greater than anything we can imagine in the United States.” 

Now is a good time to ferret out the “shoulds” and take a good look at them, and not just to get rid of them.  There may be core values inherent in them that resonate as truth.  For example, values of compassion and global citizenship are inherent in the statement about adopting from a developing country rather than the US.  But the reason for your choice has to be grounded in a core conviction that will carry you through the challenges of adopting from outside of the US.  “Shoulds” don’t wear well in the tough times.  They can turn to resentment.  What are the reasons that will sustain you along the adoption and parenting journey for the duration of that journey?  What heartfelt conviction can you rely on, that will give you grounding and steadiness in the trying toddler and teen years?

Now is the time for being honest, perhaps more honest than you have ever had to be, with yourself, your partner and whoever your support network is.  It’s not the time for social platitudes and wanting to save the world.  Start with truly knowing your heart and knowing it again and again.  The level of honesty and self trust that you are building now will be called on many times on your journey to adopt a child and beyond.